A year without her….

Sigh, within 24 hours it would have been my 4th year anniversary with my ex-girlfriend, Cheri… Ex-girlfriend… I still hate that word… It hasn’t been very east for the both of us, her especially, but what she’s gone through is affecting me, even though she’s able to move on, I’m having trouble doing that. I guess its because she was my 1st girlfriend, and I poured my heart and soul into the relationship. Of course I’m not implying that she didn’t, I know she really loved me.

How we met was like something out of a romantic comedy. I didn’t even use any pick up lines. I was all sweaty and I asked her if she had any tissue. After that, we became friends very quickly. I wanted to ask her out, But I thought she already had a boyfriend and she thought I already had a girlfriend. Haha, me? Have a girlfriend. I doubt girls find me attactive. Anyway, we both we’re in drama. She was one of the actresses and I was a writer. But I left half-way to be in a band with my friends. Ha, look how well that turned out. Anyway, we didn’t have contact with each other for almost a year but I still liked her, so for her birthday, I got her a stuffed Garfield and after getting it and talking to her on the phone, I found out that she had a boyfriend. Boy was I heart broken.

When I met her the next day, I was contemplating if I should give her the present. And I did. We lost contact again for 5 months before she contacted me again. She asked me out on national day. 9th August 2005.. We went out and really enjoyed ourselves. And then, being the gentleman I am, I walked her home. And during that walk, she asked if I had a crush on her. I figured that I didn’t have anything to lose so I said yes. Turns out, she had a crush on me too, but thought I already had a girlfriend. I was like shock, because I never expect girls to have a crush on me.

A month later, I wanted to make it official, so I asked her out to watch the fireworks festival with me, but she couldn’t make it. So I thought, why don’t I bring the fireworks to her? I went there alone and taped the whole festival, and got lost in the process. Walked all the way from marina bay all the way to tanjong pagar before hopping on the train home. Then I passed the tape to a great friend of mine to digitize it. When I got it back, I chopped it up and threw in only the good parts and mixed it to the song “Iris” by The Goo Goo Dolls. When it was completed, I asked her out on a date and brought her to TCC at Clarke Quey. I ordered Sea of Passion for the both of us, smooth huh? Anyway, I had another surprise for her. 2 hours before meeting I got our names engraved on a pair of couple rings. And just like clockwork, everything worked great. The atmosphere was great, I whipped out my laptop, an Acer at that time. And played the video, and as she stared in wonder at it, I took out the rings and when the video was over, I presented the rings and asked if she would be mine. She said yes straight away and that was the greatest day of my life! When she told her friends about it, they were shocked too, some commenting that their boyfriends won’t even do that. One of them said she she wondered what I’d do for the 1st year aniversary? Since I pulled this big thing on the 1st month anniversary.

A year later, I had to enter army, and it was the worst year of my entire life, serving the nation and earning peanuts, puh.. People outside who work in the office earn an average of $1500 and how much do I get by doing the same thing in the army? $300… Peanuts. Anyway, I saved up 3 months of my pay in preperation for the 1st year anniversary to get something beautiful for her. I got her a replica of The Evenstar from Lord of the Rings. We had dinner at Galere, City Link. And after waffles and ice-cream, I presented the box to her and when she opened it, she jumped in her seat. I loved to see her so happy like that, I really do..

Then came the time of my overseas posting.. 1 year in Taiwan.. It was my chance to earn enough to support my future. Earning $1700 a month. And when the day came for me to leave. I cried in the plane. I endured 3 months before returning on home leave and I spent some much needed time with her. She then told me what happened while I was gone. She kept on being approached by other guys, and one time she said okay. Her friend reminded her about me and the fella said that your boyfriend doesn’t need to know. She got away from the guy and planned to confess it to me, so she wouldn’t be hiding anything. I did hurt me and it changed me. It made me possessive and paranoid. And I couldn’t endure another 9 months in Taiwan after knowing what happened. So I was sent back home after 6 months, both by request and the weird behavior I was displaying with was disturbing to the other soldiers.

I came back in time for our 2nd year anniversary and with the money I had, I got her a watch, with crystals around the face of the watch and she loved it, and when she smiled, it really made my day. I really did love her, and I didn’t want to lose her. That entire year, I became a very difficult and impatient person. I didn’t trust her as much too.. I was still paranoid, always giving her ultimatums. I was such an asshole, and yet she still stuck with me and still loved me.

After army, I still didn’t change, although my new found freedom was very refreshing. I joined the photography club and got her to come for valentines day. We had a booth where we would take photos of couples and friends and print them out and the money goes to charity. I got her a Batman sweater and she loved it and was actually eyeing it the last time I brought her to the DC shop. I really love her smile… On our third anniversary, I wanted to do something sweet for her, just like our 1st month anniversary. So I told her to go to Vivo and dress her best. On the beach, I prepared a candlelight dinner. I had candles and cake. She she couldn’t drink alcohol, I got a substitute for champagne. Apple Zapple. Haha, served in champagne glasses of course. We had a wonderful time. Although I forgot to bring plates haha. We then watched the fireworks at the beach. Unfortunately, it didn’t end so great as she lost one of the diamond earings I bought for her from Taiwan. She cried.. I really tried to make her feel better but didn’t really work…

Things didn’t work out so well after that… Months later she had problems at home and told me we had to have a pretend breakup. Even though it was pretend, it really hurt me inside, I didn’t like the idea, but I really tried to do it for her. Things started going from bad to worse… I could see it falling apart… It was affecting my studies, and I started smoking. I felt I’ve been such an asshole ever since I was in the army so to make it up to her, I bought her a Nikon D40 with the last remainder of my money. She really wanted a DSLR and has been bugging her uncle for it, and I felt I should give it to her on Christmas. I tried to be more understanding when she kept telling me we couldn’t meet up. I was trying to fix the relationship the hardest I can. To get some time out, I decided to isolate myself from my friends and stay over at my mum’s house to clear my head. One night she asked me why I loved her. I told her that even though I’ve been such a dick in the past, she was still with me and was my piller of strength..

On December 14 2008, around 10pm, she messaged me, asking me if I really wanted her to convert to a Catholic. I told her, as much as I want her to, I will not force her to and I’m sure we can work something out. Unfortunately, she said that wouldn’t happen, she can’t pick between her religion and me. So I told her that I guess its the end then. I have never cried so much in my entire life. She kept calling me, but I didn’t pick up. I didn’t want to hear her voice. It would have made me cry even more. She told me that she was trying to get me mad enough to break up with her by constantly canceling our meetings. When she told me that thought text message, I got so angry. I was trying to fix our relationship whereas she was trying to break up. I got so mad to the point I threw our couple ring, our 1st month anniversary ring onto the train tracks and walked from Yishun all the way to Hougang. By the time I got home, it was 2am..

Recently, I lost myself in depression. I really wanted her back, and she does too.. But she doesn’t want to disappoint her mother by converting or by being with a Catholic. I couldn’t handle it, and being in a stressful environment at home and among friends wasn’t helping, so I decided that I wanted to be left alone. I went over to my mums place at Yishun for some well needed isolation. It helped alot, but I still miss her..

Tomorrow would have been our 4th year anniversary… I wanted to do something sweet for her, but she didn’t let me. We’re still in contact, and I’ve forgiven her. I still love her…

I still love you Cheri…