I know that I fight

~BREATH~

The fire in your eyes

——————————————————————————————————————————————-

WHY

I often ask myself this question. Why does this happen to me?
Why must happiness be absent from me. Why am I always opening
my wounds. Why am I bringing this up when I shouldn’t.. Questions
with answers that don’t satisfy me. Its these kinds of questions that
would eventually make me lose her as a friend.

…..

Believe that it isn’t me

Some things that are broken can be fixed, but they are never
the same again. Just like me.. Sometimes I find myself thinking
of things that I wouldn’t normally imagine. There was so much
sadness in my wishes, sadness and anger that I thought I’ve let go.
This isn’t who I am. I’m trying very hard to become who I was before.
Its a hard journey and my steps are getting heavier. unnecessary weight
has been added.. I’m losing my will to fly again…

——————————————————————————————————————————————-

You take the breath right out of me

PLEASE HELP ME

You left a hole where my heart should be

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

~TAKE IT ALL AWAY~

is lost again as soon as it appeared

——————————————————————————————————————————————-

WHAT I FEEL

From my recent influx of FaceBook statuses, you must be
thinking that I’m a hypocrite. I say i’ll be happy and all
but then I’m doing everything else. I’m at the stage of
‘Hard Acceptance’. Being forced to accept the truth
is never easy. This was what Naddiah warned me about.
Although I may be moving on, the waves would come,
I’ll be emotionally thrown around.

…..

THE PROMISE

I will never cry over this. Ever again. I must not give in.
I have had enough of crying over something that was
clearly over. Its over. ITS OVER! I never break my promise..

…..

THE WINGS CUT

I feel like the mask is forming again. The shell is manifesting again
I feel the wings that I just grew back, turning into blades again. I’m trying
to keep flying, but they cut. I don’t want to fall again. I don’t care if it rips
me up, I will never fall into that shitty place. The only way I can beat this
is to smile. I cannot lose hope…… My weakness may be me being naive.
But its my strength as well. There is hope… There is always hope… Never
forget that.

——————————————————————————————————————————————

I’m breaking; I can’t do this on my own

I’M SO SORRY FOR WHAT’S BEEN SAID. FORGIVE ME PLEASE

Can you hear me screaming out, am I all alone?

~WHATS IMPORTANT~

And there’s nothing to be said or done

——————————————————————————————————————————————-

FEED THE TRUTH

And so it begins, the acceptance of the cold hard truth.
It would be a lie if I said it doesn’t irk me when I think
of her with someone else. But then, who am I? I’m just
a friend. She’s happy now. And now begins my search
for my own happiness. I really hope I can find it. I
really hope i can find a girl who’ll love me.

…..

HURT BUT STILL STANDING

Love hurts, but its love that keeps me going. Or pretty much
the search for love. I fly above, watching, waiting. For the perfect
moment. To land in the warmth of love’s arms. But if you fly for
to long, your wings get tired, and sometimes you’ll feel like giving up.
And what happens? You fall, into the grime. I refuse to go back there.
I refuse to give up on love. There’s a girl out there for me.

——————————————————————————————————————————————-

Jesus, save me

YOU INSPIRE ME TO KEEP MOVING ON

From me

The Sun is gone

~Walk Away From the Sun~

And the flowers rot

——————————————————————————————————————————————-

A MONTH LEFT

So, I have about a month before my prelims begin, and luckily
I’ve already started revising. Well, I should have started revising
a long long time ago, but yeah, was too playful and putting other
things ahead of whats really important. Plus, what recently happened
also didn’t contribute well to my sanity. I don’t think I’ll be able to
score with flying colours, but I hope I can at least pass.

…..

THAT NUMB FEELING

Without anyone to call my own, the feeling is empty and cold.
A numbing silence when I call for someone to lean to. Falling
into this loneliness is all to familiar. Its the same feeling I have
constantly when I walk alone in the rain. I do see the sun most
of the time. But I don’t feel the warmth. I’m content with life,
but not all that satisfied. I wish I had someone… To love…

…..

GO TO SLEEP

To dream of a girl in my arms is a lingering
feeling that I feel that I’ve been robbed of. And
even when I do, a awake to soon. A dream deferred..
A path detoured, a heart burnt. I want to rest my head
on someone who loves me. I know I will find someone
soon… But I wish it were sooner.

…..

SO BREAK ME DOWN

Its this loneliness that kills me. I know my friends tell
me I should change this logic, that I’m only truely happy
when I’m in love with someone. But understand that
happiness is different for different people. I never liked being
single. Not even when I was 14. I always see people who don’t
deserve to have a girlfriend. Although, who am I to judge. Maybe
its because those people were the ones that bullied me, maybe thats
why. I want to be truely happy, to give my heart with no restrictions.
But for anyone to love me, I have to smile.

——————————————————————————————————————————————-

I could bleed for a smile

YOU GIVE ME THE DRIVE TO MOVE ON WITHOUT YOU

And cry for some fun

And it finds me

FEAR OF BEING ALONE

The fight inside is coursing through my veins

——————————————————————————————————————————————-

A PEACE MISPLACED

I’ve been trying very hard the past few days, but today,
every single emotion just piled up, and I felt myself
falling into depression again. I’m really really trying
my hardest. I know that I have to let her go. And I have.
Its just the feeling of loneliness. It gets to me

…..

THE PURSUIT OF TRUE HAPPINESS

The most common response is, “Mike, you’re not alone, you have friends.”
But that’s not the point. I can’t kiss my friends can I? I can’t hold my friend’s
hand can I? I can’t show love to my friend’s can I? To me, true happiness is love.
I want to find my happiness. I know one should not look for love. I want to
move on. For her. I know that she wants me to be happy.

…..

TEARS

I pray for her to be happy with her new boyfriend
even though I am jealous deep inside. I want him
to take care of her. If he reads this, I want him
to know that I refuse to be the catalyst of any
argument. If he is jealous that I am still in contact
with her, I want him to know that, no matter how
much I want to, know this. Right now, she is happy.
With YOU. She is happy with YOU. And I will never
do anything to take that away from her. YOU have to
promise me, that you will take care of her.

…..

THE LONG WALK

I have chosen this path, and I have to carry on. I promised I’ll smile, and I will.
She found happiness, and I will too. I must.

——————————————————————————————————————————————-

And it’s raging

PLEASE FORGIVE ME

The fight inside is breaking me again

EMPTY SPACE

If I only could, oh…

—————————————————————————————————————–

THINGS ARE LOOKING SMOOTH, SOMEWHAT

I’ve noticed something. What my friend told me was true.
No matter how much defenses I put up, the past would always
creep up and break it all down. It almost happened today, almost.
But I really tried to hold on my promise. But certain events that happened today
just brought back the past. Which broke my mood. Also, my bro told me that
I have to keep my mind busy. Because if my mind is idle, I’ll start thinking
again. I didn’t have my MP3 player with me, so I didn’t have my positive
songs with me. But as promised, I still smiled.

……

ITS NEVER THAT EASY

I know this would not be easy. Nadiah told me that going through
this will be very emotionally exhausting. But I remember my promise.
As soon as I got home, I blasted my music and everything felt better,
eventually, I won’t need the songs to feel good. Of course, I yearn to
fill up that empty space in my heart. I need love in my life. Its what
I feel my purpose in life is. Its to love someone special, be their angel.

……

ANGEL IN YOUR LIFE

Finding someone new in my life would be the next big step to
move on. I might be afraid of getting hurt, but I’m more afraid
of hurting someone. Only time will tell what’s in store for me.
You must be wondering what I mean by being someone’s angel.
Its a term I use for a higher level of a boyfriend, or girlfriend.
Its when you love someone so much, that you don’t look for
anything in return but them being in your life forever. A total
unconditional love of the strongest kind. Where you’re willing
to sacrifice everything, one where you love without holding back.

……

MOVING ON WITH LIFE

Moving on is always the hardest part. But it takes one step to get you started
and I have to follow up and not look back. If I must, I’ll smile. I know the
past few entries where about smiling. Because I have to constantly
remind myself that I must never fall back down to that state ever again.
It’s a shitty place to be, A terrible place, and I never want to go there again.
Right now, my place is in the sky. Flying high, looking for the one whom I can bless

……

—————————————————————————————————————–

And if I only could,

I’M UP HERE FLYING, ARE YOU DOWN THERE?

Make a deal with God

STARTING FROM SCRATCH

But only if its warm

———————————————————————————————————————————

A NEW BEGINNING

I feel like everything around me has changed, like for the better.
Its like, everything is brighter, everything feels good. The world
seems wonderful now. Probably because, before I really put effort
into moving on, I’m always looking down. Just looking at my feet,
always hiding my sadness and even worse, holding on to all my
sadness. I looked at couples around me, and I get jealous.
But now, I look up and all around me, I see the world anew.

I CAN LOOK BACK AND SMILE

After sulking for about a year, I finally looked at the sky
and it’s refreshing. Like, life is so much brighter now and
feels like its full opportunities. I’m even smiling to myself
when I look back. I used to look back and cry, telling myself
that I loved her so much. Now its like, I look back and smile,
telling myself, I really loved her that much, and I’m proud
of it. I don’t know if it makes sense to you.

SENSITIVE

Of course I do feel like tearing sometimes, but
I promised not to cry anymore. She’s happy, I
shouldn’t curse her happiness by being unhappy
about it. I should be happy for her, that she could
find someone, despite the toils she went through.
I’ve been a blessing in her life, and just because
I can’t be with her anymore, doesn’t mean that I
should be hurting myself. Probably there’s a girl out there
who’s looking for a blessing. I don’t know if I should
enter a relationship so soon, but its the 1st step to moving on.

LAUGHTER

I want to be someone’s angel, I no longer have
hate in my heart. I’ve shed my black wings, and chased
away the dark clouds. I’ve grown a new pair of wings,
A pair of white ones. I want to be someone’s angel, I know that
I have the ability to do that. I know I can make someone’s life
a living paradise. Why? Because I’ve done that before.

CHANGE IS GOOD

For once, I believe in myself. I think the old mike is back. I thought he died on
14th Dec 2008. He was buried, under my hate and sorrow. Covered
by a black shell, hiding behind a mask. Black tears flowing from
the eyes, and black feathered wings made of razors. Each time
lash my wings, it cuts me, and hurts the ones around me.
But that night, while talking a long dreadful walk on the 9th of August,
I managed to break that mask of sorrow. How? By smiling, sincerely.
Light broke through the cracks and the razors fell off, and in its place,
was beauty. What stood tall in the dark, with light shining out from my heart,
head held high, was me!

———————————————————————————————————————————

Because its easy not to

I’LL AWAYS BE YOUR ANGEL

So much easier not to

ITS TIME TO FLY AWAY

Its about time

———————————————————————————————————————————————–

GOTTA DO WHAT’S RIGHT

After the whole emotional fiasco, I think I found my peace. I hope.
Today marked the 4th anniversary of me and my ex-girlfriend Cheri.
Or supposed to be. I really wanted to see her, I my wish was answered.
I managed to see her, she was still as beautiful as before.  I just really really
wanted to see her. We had dinner, followed be a long walk home.
We talked, and I found out that she had already found someone new.
Heart breaking? Yes it was.. Very.. But then, I promised myself not to
cry or do anything drastic like kiss her or tell her how much I loved
her. And I didn’t, I held back all those emotions well.

DID IT DO MORE HURT THEN GOOD?

No, it served more good than hurt to me, of course I didn’t want to
hear that she had a new boyfriend. But then again, it wasn’t what I
wanted to hear, but it was what I NEEDED to hear. And I have to
accept it. I have to accept the fact that I can never have her in
my arms, I have to accept the fact that I can never have her candy
sweet kisses and harm hugs. This is a wake up call. I must accept
this fact, or else I’ll never learn to move on. Of course I could feel
my heart stretch and tear my insides, but I maintained a strong
grip over my emotions just as a Jedi should. I didn’t let my emotions
get the better of my judgment.

I’VE MOURNED ENOUGH

Yes, I have cried enough.. Enough of wallowing in my own pity.
Its about time I pick myself up. Only I can do that. Sure I have
friends to help me, but only I can make myself get up. She had
gone through more hurt and pain than me, and its ridiculous
that I am unable to move on. She is strong, and I should follow
her example. Tonight’s meeting was meant to be a proper closure
for me. I don’t know if she needed one, but I did. It was a proper
ending for a fairytale in a sense.

IRONIC ISN’T IT?

All I want, all that I ever want, was to see her happy.
If this is what she wanted, if it makes her happy, it
can’t be that bad. Of course I’m sad, but like I said,
I must accept it. If I really loved her, if I had any love
for her happiness, I’ll have to let her go. Ironic, but true.
She managed to find someone, even through the hardships
she went through, and I will be able to do that as well.

———————————————————————————————————————————————–

SAY ANOTHER PRAYER

I PROMISE I WILL SMILE.

GOTTA DO WHAT IT TAKES

How we met was like something out of a romantic comedy. I didn’t even use any pick up lines. I was all sweaty and I asked her if she had any tissue. After that, we became friends very quickly. I wanted to ask her out, But I thought she already had a boyfriend and she thought I already had a girlfriend. Haha, me? Have a girlfriend. I doubt girls find me attactive. Anyway, we both we’re in drama. She was one of the actresses and I was a writer. But I left half-way to be in a band with my friends. Ha, look how well that turned out. Anyway, we didn’t have contact with each other for almost a year but I still liked her, so for her birthday, I got her a stuffed Garfield and after getting it and talking to her on the phone, I found out that she had a boyfriend. Boy was I heart broken.

When I met her the next day, I was contemplating if I should give her the present. And I did. We lost contact again for 5 months before she contacted me again. She asked me out on national day. 9th August 2005.. We went out and really enjoyed ourselves. And then, being the gentleman I am, I walked her home. And during that walk, she asked if I had a crush on her. I figured that I didn’t have anything to lose so I said yes. Turns out, she had a crush on me too, but thought I already had a girlfriend. I was like shock, because I never expect girls to have a crush on me.

A month later, I wanted to make it official, so I asked her out to watch the fireworks festival with me, but she couldn’t make it. So I thought, why don’t I bring the fireworks to her? I went there alone and taped the whole festival, and got lost in the process. Walked all the way from marina bay all the way to tanjong pagar before hopping on the train home. Then I passed the tape to a great friend of mine to digitize it. When I got it back, I chopped it up and threw in only the good parts and mixed it to the song “Iris” by The Goo Goo Dolls. When it was completed, I asked her out on a date and brought her to TCC at Clarke Quey. I ordered Sea of Passion for the both of us, smooth huh? Anyway, I had another surprise for her. 2 hours before meeting I got our names engraved on a pair of couple rings. And just like clockwork, everything worked great. The atmosphere was great, I whipped out my laptop, an Acer at that time. And played the video, and as she stared in wonder at it, I took out the rings and when the video was over, I presented the rings and asked if she would be mine. She said yes straight away and that was the greatest day of my life! When she told her friends about it, they were shocked too, some commenting that their boyfriends won’t even do that. One of them said she she wondered what I’d do for the 1st year aniversary? Since I pulled this big thing on the 1st month anniversary.

A year later, I had to enter army, and it was the worst year of my entire life, serving the nation and earning peanuts, puh.. People outside who work in the office earn an average of $1500 and how much do I get by doing the same thing in the army? $300… Peanuts. Anyway, I saved up 3 months of my pay in preperation for the 1st year anniversary to get something beautiful for her. I got her a replica of The Evenstar from Lord of the Rings. We had dinner at Galere, City Link. And after waffles and ice-cream, I presented the box to her and when she opened it, she jumped in her seat. I loved to see her so happy like that, I really do..

Then came the time of my overseas posting.. 1 year in Taiwan.. It was my chance to earn enough to support my future. Earning $1700 a month. And when the day came for me to leave. I cried in the plane. I endured 3 months before returning on home leave and I spent some much needed time with her. She then told me what happened while I was gone. She kept on being approached by other guys, and one time she said okay. Her friend reminded her about me and the fella said that your boyfriend doesn’t need to know. She got away from the guy and planned to confess it to me, so she wouldn’t be hiding anything. I did hurt me and it changed me. It made me possessive and paranoid. And I couldn’t endure another 9 months in Taiwan after knowing what happened. So I was sent back home after 6 months, both by request and the weird behavior I was displaying with was disturbing to the other soldiers.

I came back in time for our 2nd year anniversary and with the money I had, I got her a watch, with crystals around the face of the watch and she loved it, and when she smiled, it really made my day. I really did love her, and I didn’t want to lose her. That entire year, I became a very difficult and impatient person. I didn’t trust her as much too.. I was still paranoid, always giving her ultimatums. I was such an asshole, and yet she still stuck with me and still loved me.

After army, I still didn’t change, although my new found freedom was very refreshing. I joined the photography club and got her to come for valentines day. We had a booth where we would take photos of couples and friends and print them out and the money goes to charity. I got her a Batman sweater and she loved it and was actually eyeing it the last time I brought her to the DC shop. I really love her smile… On our third anniversary, I wanted to do something sweet for her, just like our 1st month anniversary. So I told her to go to Vivo and dress her best. On the beach, I prepared a candlelight dinner. I had candles and cake. She she couldn’t drink alcohol, I got a substitute for champagne. Apple Zapple. Haha, served in champagne glasses of course. We had a wonderful time. Although I forgot to bring plates haha. We then watched the fireworks at the beach. Unfortunately, it didn’t end so great as she lost one of the diamond earings I bought for her from Taiwan. She cried.. I really tried to make her feel better but didn’t really work…

Things didn’t work out so well after that… Months later she had problems at home and told me we had to have a pretend breakup. Even though it was pretend, it really hurt me inside, I didn’t like the idea, but I really tried to do it for her. Things started going from bad to worse… I could see it falling apart… It was affecting my studies, and I started smoking. I felt I’ve been such an asshole ever since I was in the army so to make it up to her, I bought her a Nikon D40 with the last remainder of my money. She really wanted a DSLR and has been bugging her uncle for it, and I felt I should give it to her on Christmas. I tried to be more understanding when she kept telling me we couldn’t meet up. I was trying to fix the relationship the hardest I can. To get some time out, I decided to isolate myself from my friends and stay over at my mum’s house to clear my head. One night she asked me why I loved her. I told her that even though I’ve been such a dick in the past, she was still with me and was my piller of strength..

On December 14 2008, around 10pm, she messaged me, asking me if I really wanted her to convert to a Catholic. I told her, as much as I want her to, I will not force her to and I’m sure we can work something out. Unfortunately, she said that wouldn’t happen, she can’t pick between her religion and me. So I told her that I guess its the end then. I have never cried so much in my entire life. She kept calling me, but I didn’t pick up. I didn’t want to hear her voice. It would have made me cry even more. She told me that she was trying to get me mad enough to break up with her by constantly canceling our meetings. When she told me that thought text message, I got so angry. I was trying to fix our relationship whereas she was trying to break up. I got so mad to the point I threw our couple ring, our 1st month anniversary ring onto the train tracks and walked from Yishun all the way to Hougang. By the time I got home, it was 2am..

Recently, I lost myself in depression. I really wanted her back, and she does too.. But she doesn’t want to disappoint her mother by converting or by being with a Catholic. I couldn’t handle it, and being in a stressful environment at home and among friends wasn’t helping, so I decided that I wanted to be left alone. I went over to my mums place at Yishun for some well needed isolation. It helped alot, but I still miss her..

Tomorrow would have been our 4th year anniversary… I wanted to do something sweet for her, but she didn’t let me. We’re still in contact, and I’ve forgiven her. I still love her…

I still love you Cheri…

She’s gone,
out of my life.
I was wrong,
I’m to blame
I was so untrue.
I can’t live without her love

In my life
There’s just an empty space
All my dreams are lost
I’m wasting away
forgive me, girl

Lady, won’t you save me
my heart belongs to you.
Lady, can you forgive me
for all I’ve done to you.
Lady, oh lady

She’s gone
out of my life
oh she’s gone
I find it so hard to go on
I really miss that girl, my love

Come back, into my arms
I’m so alone
I’m begging you
I’m down on my knees
Forgive me, girl

Lady, won’t you save me
my heart belongs to you.
Lady, can you forgive me
for all I’ve done to you……

I love you so much Cheri…… I still do…..